Skip to main content

Full text of "The dime novel detective .."

See other formats


PBICE 25 CENTS. 

HO FIATS EXCHANCmD. 



No. 20. 



The Dime Novel 
Detective. 



By Wm. Organ. 




ADOLPH E. REIM^ 

Publisher, 
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN. 



Cn!.0; 2 1011 



No. 20. 
The Dime Novel Detective, 

A Rural Comedy Farce, in one scene. 
By Wm. Organ. 

][ 



Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1910, ty Adolph 
E. Reim, in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washing' 
ton, D. C. 



ADOLPH £. REIM, 

Publisher, 
MILWAUKEE, - WISCONSIN. 






CHARACTERS. 

Gus BiLKiNS. A Chore Boy. 

Noel Watson Farmer and Village ConstaUe. 

Jim Wheaton A Crook. 

Kate Wheaton Sis Wife and Accomplice. 

Sadie Malone An East Side Product. 



TMP96-006864 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 



Scene — Lwing-room in tlie Watson Fiuin house. 
Time — Evening. 

SCENE — Living-room in the Watson Farm house. Evening. Doors 
L. c.,L. 4 & R. 4. Interior hackings to these. Exterior backing to l. c. 
representing a farjn scene. Win doiv n. c, at hack. Desk c. at hack. 
Chair in front of desk. Tahle c, doicn stage, chairs at table. Light- 
ed lamp on tahle Fireplace and mantel in l. 2 flat. Tico looking 
glasses, a pipe, etc.. on mantel. Sofa l., down stage. Other furni- 
ture as desired to dress stage. Lights full up. 

As curtain rises, Sadie Malone is discovered siceeping and sing- 
ing. She continues her sweeping and singing for a few seconds, then 
enter Gus Bilkins r. 4. reading novel, a huge pistol stuck in his 
pocket or helt). 

Gus — (Reading novel). Crack, crack, tew tremendous reports 
shuck the air and bullets flew so clus tew Green Mounting Joe's 
head, thet they actually cut away a section of his whiskers. (Plac- 
es novel in his pocket). Mighty, but thet was a clus snavei (To 
Sadie). Sadie! (Sadie doesn't answer hut continues her sweep- 
ing and singing). I say, Sadie! (Sadie doesn't ansiver). Naow 
hain't thet gal 'nuff tew make a dominie swear? (Turns to Sadie 
and shouts). Sadie, Sadie! 

Sadie — (Stopping her stveeping and turning to him). Wot de dic- 
kens is de rumpus? Is dere er foire? 

Gus — Gosh hang it, don't yew hear me tearin' my lungs aout? 

Sadie — Why, did youse speak ter me? 

Gms — Did I speak? Dod rot your hide, I hev bin yelling hyar at 
the top of my voice. But a pusson mought as well speak tew a 
stun' wall. 

Sadie — Youse sickly lookin' microbobe, dontcher know any better 
den ter interrupt er loidy when she's singin'? 

Gus—Smg'm'l 



4 THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

Sadie — Dat's v^ot I said. Don't youse know dat I'm trainin' fer 
de stoige? 

Gns — What stage? The one thet leaves hyar at six 'cluck fur 
Brigg's station? 

Sadie — (hi disgust, throws the 'broom down on Gus's toes, Gus 
hops about on one foot, holding the other). Naw, naw, yer pie-fac- 
ed slob ! I mean de boards, de footlights. I wants ter be er vaudy- 
ville star, one of dem big stars dat glimmer erlong Broadway. Why, 
soy, youse big cheese, youse wanter git wise ter dis vocal apparatus 
of mine? Wid er little more trainin', I kin make Eva Gangplank, 
Gangway, Tanguay, or wot ever de dickens her noime is, look like 
er fried egg in er Kansas cycerlone. Jist cast ,yer listeners in dis 
direction fer er brief spell and ketch de melodious refrains. (Strikes 
a mock operatic attitude and begins to sing). 

Gus — Consarn it, will yew quit thet durn yelpin'? (Sadie does- 
n't stop. Gus shouts). Shet up! 

Sadie — On de level, Gus, does yer know dat youse has er sweet 
voice? Why, wid er voice loike dat youse could be a great star. 

Gus — Yew don't say so? 

Sadie — Sure 'ting, er star fish peddler, 

Gus — Yew air tew durn fresh, yew be! Air Noel back yit? 

Sadie — Youse don't see him runnin' eround loose, does yer? 

Gus — I s'pose he's goin' tew bring them boarders back with him. 

Sadie — Aw, sure t'ing. Youse don't s'pose dere would be any such 
luck as 'em not comin', does yer? Some of dem high-mucky mucks, 
I s'pose. Dey gimme er kink in de liver. I wish dey would stay 
ter hum ! 

Gus — I'm durn glad they be comin*. Mebbe they be the ones thet 
swiped Zeb Holden's gray goose. 

Sadie — Wat erbout Zeb Holden's gray goose? 

Gus — Hain't yew heard? 

Sadie — Nope ! 

Gus — Someone swiped Zeb's gray goose night afore last, and he's 
goin' tew gimme a quarter if I find him. Yew know I want tew be 
a great 'teetive. 

Sadie — Youse wanter be, da'ts as far as you'll ever git. 

Ous — Air thet so? Yew wait, yew'll see my name in the papers 
some day! 

Sadie— Sure, in de obituary. 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 5 

Gus — A pussou can't talk sense with yew nohow. I tell you I'm 
goin' tew be a great 'tective, like them I reads about in de novels. 
This air goin' tew be my fust case. 

Sadie — Hully gee, dat's goin' er trifle, Sherlock Holmes on de 
trail of er goose. Does yer t'ink yer kin foind him, Gus? 

Gus — S-hh ! {Extrardijant BUS; of looking about the room, un- 
der fuiyiiture, etc., to see if there is anyone to overhear them). This 
air strictly confidential. 

Sadie — Sure, sure! 

Gus — Waal, I faound a clew. 

Sadie — G'wan, youse couldn't foind yer way hum on er dark 
noight. 

Gus — I seed the feet prints of a goose in the mud, daown the 
lane, this morn in'. 

Sadie — Remarkable ! 

Gus — Thet hain't all. I seed the feet-prints of a man, tew. 

Sadie — Extraordinary ! 

Gus — I tuck measurements, noted the shape of the foot, and it 
proves kunkloosevely thet the man wore shoes, or boots. 

Sadie — Wonderful ! 

Gus — ^Thet hain't all. I taound this daown the lane, right by 
the feet-prints. {Takes a collar-button from his pocket and shows 
her). 

Sadie — Er collar-button. 

Gus — Yulp. The feller thet swiped the goose, undoubtedly lost 
this. 

Sadie — Marvelous ! 

Gus — I've gut tew ferret this aout, I've gut tew trail daown the 
feller thet lost this hyar button. Naow, Sadie, don't yew breathe 
one word abaout this. Promise me? 

Sadie — (Dramatically). Youse kin trust me wid yer lolfe, Dr. 
Watson ! 

Gus — Dew yew know when Noel will be back, Sadie? 

Sadie — As soon as he returns, I reckon. 

Gus — Yew be tew durn smart I kain't waste no more of my val- 
lyable time on yew. I gut tew finish this hyar novel. I'm on the 
last page naow. They hev gut Green Mounting Joe in clus quarters, 
I want tew see if he 'scapes. (Takes novel from his pocket and 
sits on sofa). 



6 THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE, 

Saclie — Cut dat out. Clear outer here, aud git me an arm full of 
wood. There hain't er sticli in de wood-box. (Gus doesn't answer, 
deeply engrossed in his novel). Soy! Are youse goin' ter git dat 
wood? 

Gus — No! KaiiVt yew see I'm bizzy? 

Sadie — We'll see erbout dat. (Picks up hrooni). Youse lanter jaw- 
ed, freckle-faced shrimp, don't youse git gay wid me. I'll push yer 
solar-plexus clear above yer collar-bone. I hain't loike Jim Jeffries, 
I'll show yer dat I kin come back, and come back strong. I don't 
'low no sickly look in' rube ter soy wots which ter me. Now youse 
mosey erlong and git dat wood. (Strikes Gus over tJie head with 
the 'broom). 

Gms— Hey! Stop thet! 

Sadie — Take er sneak, afore I cave in yer belfry! (Strikes Gus 
over the head several times, and drives him off l. c, Sadie resumes 
her siceeping. Gus Xes to window r. c, at back, draws his huge 
pistol and covers Sadie through the window). 

Chis — Whoa, thar, throw up your hands! 

Sadie — (Drops her broom, frightened, and throivs up her hands). 
Oh, lord! Who's dat? v 

(Gus laughs loudly and exit). 

Sadie — I'll pulverize dat rube yit. (Resumes her sweeping). 

(After a pause, Noel enters l. c, folloived by Jim and Kate Whea- 
TON from the l., Jim carrying a dress suit case). 

Noel— Waal, Sadie, I'm back! 

Sadie — Wot, again. (Turns quickly, thinking it Gus that has re- 
turned, and strikes Jim over the head with the broom, crushimg his 
hat). 

Noel — (Angrily). What in thunder dew yew mean by thet? (A- 
side, Jim showing Ms battered hat to Kate. Bus). 

Sadie — (Confused). Oh, squeeze me, squeeze me, I mean 'scuse 
me. I fought it was dat good-fer-nuthin' Gus Bilkins. He's jist bin 
here bitherin' de loife outer me wid his dime novel junk. (To Jim) 
I didn't mean dat, 'onest I didn't. I beg yer pudin' I mean pardon ! 

Noel — ^Yew must be more keerful, Sadie. This is Mr. and Mrs. 
Wheaton, who are tew board with us. 

Sadie — Howdy! (Spits on her hand, then wipes it on her dress 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 7 

and extends it to Jim). 

Jim — (Ignoring her hand). How do you do? (Kate turns her 
hack to Sadie). 

Sadie — (Aside). Gee, ain't de atmosphere gittin' frigid? 

Noel — Where is Gus, Sadie? 

Sadie — I sent him out er while ergo, after an arm-full of wood. I 
s'pose he's out in de wood-shed readin' dat old dime novel. 

Noel — Hang thet boy. I'd like tew hev the feller by the neck thet 
'vented dime novels. (To Jim and Kate). But I'll show yew up 
tew your rum. Jest f oiler me. 

Jim — ^Thank you ! 

(Exit Noel r. i. Kate and Jim cross to r. i. and pause). 

Jim — (Aside to Kate). So far, so good. Now for a little clever 
work, and one hundred thousand dollars is ours. 

(Exit Kate and Jim k. i.). 

Sadie — Wot de deuce are dey mutterin' erbout? Dere er sweet 
pair er pills, dey are. Dey got er dispersition dat would freeze de 
whiskers off er door-knob. (Resumes her siveeping). 

(Gus passes the lowidow at hack and enters l. c. icith an arm full 
of wood, and reading novel at the same time. As he enters, he drops 
the wood on the floor). 

Sadie — (Dropping the hroom, frightened). Sufferin' tom-cats! 
Wot's dat? Oh, it's youse is it? Does yer wauter scare me out er 
year's growth? 

Gtis — Yew be easily skeert, yew be. Never seed a woman thet bed 
any sand anyhow. Yew would make a great 'tective. It takes a man 
with plenty of sand tew be a great 'tective, like me fur instance. 
(Throics out his chest). 

Sadie — AVell shiver me timbers ! Ketch onter dat. Youse fer in- 
stance. Youse ain't got as much sand as our dominick rooster ! Why 
yer skart outer yer wits ter go ter de village after dark, so don't be 
slinging us none of dat cheap trash. Soy, youse pick up dat wood 
and hike it ter de kitchen where it berlongs, and don't stop ter pick 
flowers eider, 

Gus — Pick it up yourself. Kain't jew see I'm bizzy? (Sits on 
sofa and reads novel). 

Sadie— BJJ^Y doin' wot? 



8 . THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

Gus — Readin' this novel tew be course. It be a brand new one. 
I jest gut it often young Zeke Holden. Gosh, I bet she be a ripper. 

Sadie — Wot's dee noime of it? 

Gus — Hair-lip Dave, the cock-eyed dectective, or knock-kneed Bill's 
last stand. 

Sadie — Dat's er healthy title. Soy, bone-head, are youse goin' ter 
pick up dat wood? 

Gus — No I 

Sadie — Wot's dat? (Strikes him with hroom, knocking him off 
sofa). Don't git lippy wid me. {Xes over and gives hifii a kick). 
Now youse pick up dat wood and beat it. I'll learn youse who's de 
big noise in dis shebang ! 

(Gvs scramhlcs over and picks up rcood and -exit r. 4. Sadie Xes 
over to R. 1. and sweeps vigorously, raising a dust. Noel e/iters r. l, 
coughs and succzcs). 

IS'oeJ — Fur heaven's sake, gal, stop makin' so much dust. Air super 
ready? 

Sadie — Sure, she's bin ready for half an hour. I'll go in and put 
on de fiiiisliin' touches. 

(Xes toininl r. 4. Gus enters b. 4., humps against Sadie, Sadie 
talcs hint Uii flic collar, gives him a slap. Gus rolls over and over on 
the /for-i-, .s/r//,rx Noel knocking him against table). 

*S'a(/ie— Slide under him Kelly, dat's'de game. Gee, if Muggsy Mc- 
Graw could only see youse now! (Exit r. 4.). 

Xor] — Drat your hide! (Noel kicks at Gus, misses him and kicks 
the cliair. then hops about holding his foot. Gus scrambles to his 
feet and runs off i.. c, to the r. Enter Katy. and Jim r. i. Sadie r. 4). 

^'af//e— Supper is ready! 

Xoel — All right, Sadie, gal. 

(Exit Sadie r. 4.). 

Jim — Where did you get that girl, Mr. Watson? Her style Is very 
much New York. 

Noel — Thar's whar I gut her. About four years ago, my wife died. 
(Takes handkerchief from his pocket and tcipes eyes). Then I had 
tew look fur someone tew keep haouse fur me. So I advertised in 
the New York paper and this gal answered it. She has bin with me 
ever since. 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 9 

Tim — {Aside to Kate). A girl from New York, we must be care- 
ful. 

'Noel — Come folks, w^e'll go in and hev supper. ( Exit r. 4). 

Kate — Everything is working well so far. 

Jim — Yes indeed. One hundred thousand dollars, eh? That is a 
neat little sum. This is about the best game we have played in some 
time. 

Kate — Yes, and the most dangerous. 

Jim — Not necessarily. If we are careful there isn't any great dan- 
ger. 

Kate — Let us go over this thing again. This business needs re- 
hearsing well, it won't do to make any slips. 

Jim — Quite right! 

Kate — Heavens, isn't it warm here? Let's go over by the window 
where there is some air. {They cross to the window and sit). You 
say your uncle leaves his entire fortune to this child, if it can be 
found? 

Jim — No, no. That's the point I can't seem to make you under- 
stand. Uncle left two hundred thousand dollars. One hundred thou- 
sand goes to this child, if she can be found, the other goes to the 
orphan asylum. If the child isn't found by the first of next month, 
the entire two hundred thousand goes to the orphan asylum. 

Kate — I see, and it's up to us to find the child — I mean one to 
take her place. 

Jim — ^That is the idea. 

Kate — What a pity your dear uncle forgot you in his will. 

Jim — The old devil knew me too well. I did stand a slight chance 
for a little dip of it until that forgery business — 

Kate — S-hh! Walls have ears, even in this out-of-the-way-place. 

Jim — You're right. Now you see I'm hopelessly out of the running. 
The child gets half of it, if found, if not it all goes to the orphan 
asylum. 

Kate — A peculiar piece of business. Haven't they any idea where 
the child is, or what ever became of her? 

Jim — Not the remotest. Her parents died when she was very 
small, and she drifted away and all trace of her was lost. She may 
be dead, she may be living, no one knows. 

Kate — If alive, is there any way in which her identity could be 
proven ? 



10 THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

Jim — Yes, her father was a queer fellow, and shortly after the 
child was born, he had her name, Bessie Clayton, tattooed on her 
back, so in case of accident or anything of that kind, she could be 
easily identified. 

Kate — I begin to see more clearly. As far as I can see, there is 
only one draw back, that is the real Bessie Clayton turning up. 
About how old would she be if living? 

Jim — Eighteen or nineteen. 

Eoite — I'm a little too old to pass for her, but Flossie could do it. 

Jim — Certainly! With the name Bessie Clayton tatooed on her 
back, it looks like plain sailing. Of course, there would be s6me 
legal wrinkle to go through, but Hickman can fix us up, he has al- 
ways stood by us in the past. It looks pretty rosy to me, pro- 
viding, as you say, that the real girl doesn't turn up, and there isn't 
much fear of that. 

Kate — But they have offered a reward of five thousand dollars. 
That is a tempting bait for the best detectives in New York. 

Jim — Bah! Don't let that worry you. That bunch of detectives 
couldn't catch cold on a winter's day. I have a hunch that the girl 
is dead, anyway. Let's see, we have about three weeks yet before 
we begin hostilities. That will give us a good rest here in this quiet 
little place, and also give the authorities a chance to cool off about 
that other matter. It will also give my beard a chance to grow, 
and wipe out all trace of recognition. 

(Noel enters e. 4). 

Noel — Come, come, folks, your supper will be stun' cold. 

(Jim and Kate rise). 

Jim — I beg your pardon, Mr. Watson, we didn't mean to keep you 
waiting. Have you finished supper? 

Noel — Yes, but don't pay no 'tention tew me. I wasn't very hung- 
ry. I had a plate of beans while waitin' fur your tram. 

(Enter Gus passes window at hack, very excited, flourishing his 
pistol and shouting wildly, enters l. c. Extravagant BUS). 

Gws— Whoop! I'm tornado Bill, the terror of the mountings. I'm 
an all-fired bad man when my mad is up. Why, I eats a man every 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 11 

twenty-four hours, and it's durn nigh grub time. Whoope! Look 
aout fur me, I'm a comin' ! 

(Stalks over to Kate and Jim flourishing pistol a/nd drives them 
off B. 4. Noel laughs. Gus looks around cautiously and ttp-toes o- 
ver to Noel). 

GUS — S-hh! I gut a 'spicion. 

Noel — 'Spicion of what, Gus? 

Chis — ^Them folks. 

Noel — (Laughs). Oh, pshaw! 

Gu^ — I tell yew Noel, yew want tew keep your eye peeled fur thet 
couple. I gut a 'spicion thets the feller thet swiped Zeb Holden's 
goose. 

Noel — Nonsense, Gus! Why do yew 'spect him? 

Gus — I don't like his looks. Them fellers with mustaches kain't 
be trusted. 

Noel — (Laughing). I'm afeerd yew air wrong in your 'spicions 
this time, Gus. Haow could Mr. Wheaton hev stole Zeb's goose 
when he only kum up from New York tew-day? 

Gus — That mought be so. (Scratches his head as though perplex- 
ed). Howsomever I hain't kunvinced. No siree! (Xes and exit r. 
I.). 

Noel — Poor Gus, them novels will git the best of him yit. (Xes to 
mantel takes dotvn his pipe, lights up, Xes stage BUS.). 

Noel — I wonder where to-day's paper is? Hang it, hev they failed 
tew send it ag'in? (Shouts). Sadie! Sadie! 

(Enter Sadie r. 4.). 

Noel — Did tew-day's paper kum? 

Sadie — Sure! Lemme see, wot did I do wid it? Oh, I 'member, I 
put it in yer desk. 

Noel — All right, gal, much 'bliged! 

(Exit Sadle r. 4.). 

• Noel — (Xes over to desk and gets paper, then Xes to taUe and 
sits). I wonder what the news air araound New York? (Looks o- 
ver paper). Gosh, thet must be a powerful bizzy place, by the looks 
of all this news. (Turns over a page). Hyars the sporting page,, 



12 THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

baseball, prize-figbting. Ob, wbat rot! I kain't see hao^Y tbem 
j^oiing folks kin git so worked up over sucb rubbisb. (Turns another 
page). Hello, wbat's tbis? (Reads). "One thousand dollars reward. 
One thousand reward is offered for information leading to tbe where- 
abouts of Jim Williams and bis wife. Williams is wanted in New 
York for forgery, while his wife is wanted for shop-lifting and sev- 
eral smaller charges. Signed, the secret service bureau." (Lays pa- 
per on tahle). What a blame scalawags there is in tbis world! Waal 
I hope they ketch 'um. I 'spose I'll bev tew 'tend tew tbem bosses, 
no use waitin' fur thet blame boy tew dew it. (Exit l. c). 

(Gus enters r. i. with Jim's dress suit case. He lays it on the floor, 
opens it, and ransacks its contents, finds a collar, takes the collar hut- 
ton from his pocket fits it to the collar, growing very excited as he 
does so). 

Gus — It fits tbis byar collar. Jereseulam! I knowed I was on 
tbe right track. (Rises very excited and shouts). Sadie! Sadie! 
Kum'byar quick! 

(Sadie enters r. i.). 

Sadie — Wot's de matter wid yer? Got ernother spell? 

Gus — I've faound tbe feller what swiped Zeb's goose. Yew 'mem- 
ber I showed yew the collar-button I showed yew thet I faound? 

Sadier—Suve, wot of it? 

Gus — Waal, it fits this byar collar. 

Sadie — Well sufCerin' — soy, youse ain't got as much sense as our 
one-eyed tom-cat. Youse. poor empty-headed freak, don't youse 'spose 
er collar-button will fit any collar? Youse better put dem duds back 
where yer got 'em, if youse value dat freckled mug of yers. It's me 
back ter de kitchen, I don't care ter associater wid sich microbic im- 
beciles as youse. (Exit r. 4.). 

Gus — I wish I knew what them words meant, I'd git even with 
her ! Makin' fun of my 'tective work, by gum, I guess I know my 
bizness. Thet's tbe feller that swiped the goose all right. By gum, 
I'll show 'em thet I'm some 'tective by gum! If they only knew 
wbat I faound aout tew-night, it would make their heads swim. 
(Places the things hack into the suit-case and hides it under the 
sofa). Waal, I gut tew read tbis byar novel. (Takes novel from 
his 2)ocket and Xes and sits at tahle). Gosh, if this hain't the most 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 13 

thrilling book I ever seed. It gits me tew trembling all over. Let's 
see, wbar did I leave oft'? {Tnrns pages). Ob, byar it is. {Reads 
novel). "The night was dark and stormy, distant peals of thunder 
rent the air, not a single ray of light was visible 'cept the 'casional 
flashes of lightening. Away out on a lonely road, many miles from 
any village, a solitary horseman might have been seen riding at 
break-neck speed. Now and then he might have been heard to say 
to his faithful steed: 'On, on black old boy, only about ten miles 
more and we shall be at our destination.' At that instant, a flash of 
lightening lit up the countenance of the lone rider, and behold, we 
observe the weather-beaten face of our hero, Hair-lip Dave, the cock- 
eyed detective. At the same instant the distant whistle of the mid- 
night express was heard. My God! exclaimed Dave, the cold beads 
of perspiration standing out prominently on his brow, ^yill we be on 
time? Then a look of grim determination came into his cock-eye. 
We must, we will, eh hissed through his clenched teeth. Oh. on, 
sped the lone rider like the wind, through the terrible night. About 
ten miles away, near dead man's run. twenty desperate, determined 
loookiug men lay crouched in the ravine, just below them lay the 
railroad track, on the track these heartless villains had placed a 
huge boulder, it was their intention to wreck the mid-night express. 
In the distance, a shrill shriek of the express was heard. Here she 
comes, hissed knock-kneed Bill, for it was he and his desperate gang. 
Come one, come all, he shouted to his men ! Now for blood, money 
and revenge on Hair-lip Dave. What will the great detective say 
when he hears of this, remarked Bill with a sardonic chuckle. On, 
came the express, a moment more and awful destruction. At the 
same instant, a figure leaped out from the bushes, square in the mid- 
dle of the track, with one hand he waved his big sombrero hat and 
signaled the train to stop, in his other hand he held a six-shooter, 
and held the twenty men at bay. ''Damnation!" Reared knock- 
kneed Bill, we are foiled, and they fled into the darkness. At this 
instant, the searchlight of the locomotive fell squarely upon our Her- 
o's face, for it was indeed he. Hair-lip Dave, the cock-eyed detective." 
{As he finishes reading^ Gus is very excited). Jehosophat ! What 
a 'citin' story. Thet's the best durn story I ever read. Gosh, how 
I would like tew be a great 'tective like thet ! ^ 

(Noel enters l. c. from l.) 
Xoel — So, there yew air. I had tew put up the bosses myseir. 



14 THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

Giis — (Springing to Ms feet, Mdly frightened and drawing pis> 
tol). What! Knock-kneed Bill, be thet yew? Curse yew! Make 
one move, even breathe fur twenty minutes, and I'll blow your eye- 
brows right off your head ! 

Noel — Put daown thet gun, yew infernal fule. Yew'll shoot some- 
buddy yet with your blame monkeying. Air Mr. and Mrs. Wheaton 
through supper yet? 

Gus — (Pvting pistol in his pocket). Nope! Gosh, what appetites 
they hev gut. Thar won't be nuthin' left fur breakfast. 

Noel — {Laughing) . Hev no fear, Gus, I reckon I'll go in and see 
haow they air gittin' along. (Ecoit r. 4.) 

Gus — {Putting pistol in his pocket). Nope! Gosh, what appetites 

Sadie — Aw, cut dat out. If youse keep dat up, youse'll be er fit 
subject fer de dippy-house. Why don't yer' read suthin' dat's got 
sense? {Picks up paper from tahle). Here's de New York poiper, I 
wonder wot's de news? {Looks at paper). Soy, rube, youse wants 
ter be er 'tective, why don't yer try and ferret dat out? Dere's er 
thousand dolars in it. 

Gus — A thousand dollars? 

Sadie — Sure 'ting! Put yer peepers on dat. (Hands him papeVy 
pointing to the forgery case). 

Gns — (Looking at paper). A thousand dollars reward for Wil- 
liams the forger. (Lays down paper). Gee w^hiz ! Thet's a pile of 
money. (Starts to read his novel, Sadie snatches it from him and 
hurls it to the floor). 

Sadie — Will youse cut dat out? Fergit it! 

Gus — Say, Sadie, the only thing thet kin make me furgit readin^ 
novels is yew. 

Sadie — Me, is it? 

Gus — Yew know durn well I'm stuck on yew, and if yew will say 
the word, we will git hitched tew-morrow. 

Sadie — Naw we won't neider. Youse don't 'tink I want er good- 
fer-nuthin' slob like youse hangin' eround, does yer? I can't take 
care of meself let erlone youse 

Giis — Oh, Sadie, give me a chance. 

Sadie — I'll give yer er slam in de kisser. De gink dat pays me 
board bill fer loife, has got ter show class, style and er few odder 
miscellaneous trifles. 

Gus — Yew want tew git a man made tew order. 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 15 

Sadhe — I wants er brave man, one dat knows no fear. I wants er 
hero. 

Gus — Yew dew? 'Spose I git tew be a hero? 

Sadie — Youse a hero? If youse is er hero, de stociv of heroes must 
be gittin' slim. 

Gus — Mebbe I won't be a hero, but I'll show yew suthin' thet'll 
make j^our head swim, and mebbe sooner than yew think. I gut a 
trick up my sleeve that'll make yew change your 'pinion of me durn 
spry. Yew jist wait, Miss Smarty ! ^ 

Sadie — {Laughing). All right, Gus. If youse does suthin' worth 
while, I'll consider yer case. But I'm afraid I'll die of old age. I'm 
goin' up and try on me new dress, I'll have it on in erbout thirty 
seconds. Wait 'till yer sees me, mebbe I won't look stunning! {Exit 

E. I.). 

A^oeZ — {Off E. 4). I'm mighty glad yew enjoyed your supper, Mr. 
Wheatou. Come aout and make yourself tew hum. 

Gus — Hyar kums Noel. I've gut tew hide, or he'll find some work 
fur me tew dew. {Hides under tahle). 

{Enter Noel folloioed T)ii Jim and Kate). 

'Noel — I wonder whar thet blame boy is? I guess I'll hev tew dew 
it myself. Kindly 'sense me, I've gut tew lock up the hen-roost. 
Jim — Certainly ! 

{Exit Noel l. c, to l.). 

Jim — {Xing to tahle and picking up paper). Why, here is a New 
York paper. I didn't know they had a New York paper out in this 
dump. {Glances over paper and sees the forgery case). Great Hea- 
vens! Read that! {Hands paper to Kate). 

Kate — {Glancing at paper). A thousand dollars reward for our 
capture, eh? 

Jim — Do you suppose these people will suspect? 

Kate — Why no, why should they? We are here under an assumed 
name. I think we are safe enough. 

Jim — I hope so. If we can stall off the authorities until we have 
raked in this other fortune, we can skip the country for good. 

Kate — Let us go to our room and talk it over. 

Jim — Very well. 
(Xetmt Jim and Kate e. i. Gus crawls out from under tahle). 



lb THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

Chus— Great gunners! What do this mean? {Piclcs vp paper and 
glances at it). Great jehosophat! Who would a thunk it? (Scratch- 
es his head as though puzzled). I kain't onnerstand. By chowder, 
I see it all naow. Gee whiz! I've gut Sherlock Holmes, Nick Car- 
ter, Hair-lip Dave all skinned a mile. 

(Enter Noel l. c. from l.). 

Noel — Thar yew air. Gosh hang it, when I want yew tew dew a 
thing, yew air alus' hid away somers'. 

Gus — (Draining revolver). Don't yew bother me tew-night, Des- 
perate Dan! I'm a powerful bizzy man tew-night. I'm on the trail 
and I've jist faound a clew. (Covers Noel). ' 

Noel — Put up thet gun, yew fule ! 

(Gus drives Noel off r. 4 then searches about the room for clues. 
Extravagant BUS.). 

Gus — Durn my hide, I'm on de trail, b'gosh. I'll bet a bag of pea- 
nuts, thet's the feller thet swiped Zeb's goose. (Gropes ahout the 
floor on his hands and knees near e. i.). 

(Sadie enters r. i. with a different dress that isn't buttoned at 
the back. She falls over Gus, not seeing him, then scrambles to her 
feet). 

Gus — (Jumping up and covering her with pistol). Durn your hide, 
don't yew know better then tew in'nerupt a man when he's ferretin' 
aout a case? 

Sadie — I'll 'tend ter yer case, youse wrizzled-up shrimp. Trip me 
up in me new togs ! 

Gus — (Puting up pistol). Gosh, Sadie, yew sartin' look gorgeous in 
them harness I 

Sadie — Some style here, yea bo. But hanged if I kin ketch on ter 
de combination. Yer has ter be er contortionist ter fasten it on. 
Here you, make yerself useful, hook me up de back. 

Gus— (Bashfully). Oh, git aout! 

Sadie — Come on, don't stall. 

Gus — (As before). I don't wanna! 

Sadie — Aw, wake up. Wjhere's yer gallantry? Can't yer help er 
loidy wot's in trouble? Git busy! 

Gus — (Aside), Gosh, thars no way aout of it! (Tries to button 
her waist up the back, and is awkward). Oh, gosh, I kain't dew it! 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 17 

Sadie- — Aw, wake up. Youse would make a foine 'tective. Hain't 
got gall ter help er poor unfortunate female wot's in trouble. 

Gits— Gosh, I'll dew it, if it kills me. (Starts to hutton her dress 
and discovers the name on her hack). What in tarnation hev yew 
gut on your back? 

Sadie — I dunno, wot is it? 

Gus — -Why, it be a name writ on your back! 

Sadie — Aw, wot yer givin us? 

Gus — I say it be tew, it look like it were tattooed on. 

Sadie — Dat's er new one on me ! 

Gus — Didn't yew ever seed it afore? 

Sadie — It ain't likely, likely. Does yer t'ink I got er neck loike er 
swan, dat kin see eround er corner? Wat does it soy? 

Gus — (Spelling out the loords). Bessie Clayton. 

Sadie — Bessie Clayton? Hully gee, who's she? Dat's er hot one, 
me livin' all dese years and didn't know dat was on me. How de 
dickens did dat git dere? Gimme er couple er lookin' glasses, so I 
kin git er squint at it. (Gus Xes to mantel and gets the two looking 
glasses, then Xes to Sadie). Now gimme one and you hold de odder 
one in back of me. (Sadie holds one in front of her, Gus the other 
one in Mck of her, so that Sadie sees the name reflected from Gus's 
mirror into her otcn. BUS.). Gee, it's dere all roight! 

Gus — (Scratches his head as though puzzled, suddenly it dawns up- 
on him, and he rushes a,l)out excitedly). Jereusaleum! Great Caeas- 
ars ghost! (Shouts). Noel! Noel! 

(Enter Noel e. 4). 

Noel — What in thunder is all this hyar racket? 

Gus — (Covering Noel with revolver). Curse yew, Jack Dalton, If 
yew value your miserable life, bring on thet couple, and let me meet 
them face to face. Beware ! One false move and you're a dead man ! 
I'm Hair-lip Dave, the cock-eyed 'tective, and I'm out fur a ruction. 
Do as I say, or I'll blow yew intew perdition! 

Noel — (Aside), Thet durn fule has gut another one of them spells. 
I'll hev tew humor him I 'spose. (Exit b. l). 

Sadie — Soy, youse has gone off de handle fer sure, dis toime! 

Gus — (Striking a mock melodramatic pose). Silence! Yew she 
devil I Eighteen long years hev I bin on your trail. I know who yew 



18 THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

air, don't try tew 'ceive me. After eighteen years we meet ag'in. haw, 
haw! (Laughs mock sardonically). 

(Noel enters r. i.. folloiced by Kate and .Jim). 

Gus — (To Jim). Say, mister, yew jist want tew listen tew me naow. 
I've .bin' dewin' s'more practicin', and I 've gut it daown pat naow. 

Jim — (Amused). Is tliat so? 

Gus — Yew bet! Jist listen tew this. (Gets upon a chair , and cov- 
ers Jim and Kate tvith pistol). At last yew air diskivvered ! Arter 
searching fur years and years, I've faound yew ! And durn my hide, 
I'll git thet thousand dollars reward. Yew Jim Wilianls, the forger 
air my prizner. - 

Jim — (Aghast). The devil! What does this mean? 

Kate — (Aside to Jim). Keep cool, don't give yourself away. This 
fool has hit upon it accidentally. 

Jim — (To Gus, forcing a laugh). Very good, Gus, very good! 

Gus — It be, be it? Waal, hyar's suthin' a whole lot better. Did 
yew ever hear of Bessie Clayton, the lost hearess? And dew yew 
'member a sartin' plot of yours tew pass your friend, Flossie, as Bes- 
sie Clayton, and claim a fortune of one hun'red t'housand dollars? 

Jimr— (Aghast). Great Heavens! 

Noel — Gus, stop this fule talk, yew air gettin' these people all 
worked up ! 

Jim — (Aside to Kate). This fool has trapped us. 

Kate — Don't lose your nerve, he has no proof. Who would be- 
lieve that half-witted fool? 

Jim — (To Gus). You surely are improving, Gus. But there is one 
thing you must learn if you expect to be a great detective. That is, 
you must learn to find proof of what you say. 

Gus — (Excitedly). Proof be damned! I've gut proofs 'nuff fur me. 
Thar be be five thousand dollars reward for the 'pearance of Bessie 
Clayton, and by jingoes thet reward belongs tew me! 

Jim — What do you mean, you idiot? 

Gus — I mean by gum, thet I've faound Bessie Clayton, the lost 
heiress, and thar she stands. (Pointing to Sadie). 

Jim — (Xes over and discovers the name on Sadie's 'back). Dam- 
nation! It is Bessie Clayton! 

Kate — Heavens the jig is up! 



THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 19 

Xoel — Say, what is all this fiile talk abaout? 

Kate — (Aside to Jim). The game is up. We might as well Diake 
a clean breast of the whole affair. Something might turn up, we 
might get a chance to escape before we reach the city. 

Jim — '^^u are right. (To Noel). Mr. Watson, no doubt you have 
read about the reward for Jim Williams, the forger, In lo-ciays pa- 
pers ? 

Noel — Yes, I did. 

Jim — Well, I am Jim Williams. This fool, has in some mj^sterious 
way trapped us. What he has been saying is the truth. That girl 
is and heiress to one hundred thousand dollars. It was our plan to 
pass off one of our accomplices as her, and claim the fortune. That 
is all I have to say. You are the constable, we give ourselves up. 
Come Kate, fate has dealt harshly with us this time, when a blun- 
dering farm-hand can trap us. Damn the luck! 

Noel — Thar, thar, do some of thet swearing when yew air in jail. 
I'll jest lock yew two up in my strong room. I hed it fixed up fur 
purposes like this. Git in that, 

(Exeunt Jim and Kate l. 4). 

Noel — (To Gus). Gus, yew air a wonder. Thet's six thousand 
dollars you hev made, sides the fortune yew faound fui* Sadie. Ha- 
ow did yew happen tew learn all this? 

Gus — Yew see a while ago, I was lookin' fur a cool place to sit and 
read my novel, so I sits under the window thar, and I overheard 
'em plannin' this hyar thing. And Sadie wanted me tew button up 
her new dress, so I seed the name on her back. 

Sadie — Me, an heiress? Suthin's w^rong, I'll wake up in a minute. 

Noel — Yew air both rich naow. I s'pose I'll hev tew take a back 
seat 

Sadie — Fergit it, Mr. Watson, we ain't dat sort. Youse has bin er 
f adder ter me, and all de money cuts no figger in dis case, we'll 
stay wid youse as long as youse wish. 

Noel — God bless yew both. 

Gus — Wall, Sadie, what hev yew gut tew say, naow? 

Sadie — (Holding out her arms). Gus, me hero, come ter me quick! 

Gus — (Eml)racing her). Gosh, talk abaout hum' and mother. 

Sadie — Gus, does yer love me? 



APR 23 ISM 



20 THE DIME NOVEL DETECTIVE. 

Gus — Yew bet ! 

Sadie — Den button up me dress. (Gus is huttoning Iter dress as 
curtain falls). 

—CURTAIN^ • 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
APR 21 1911 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




015 910 172 1 m